Elizabeth has asked me this question:
I am dating a man for about 4 weeks, and at first when I met him, I did not think he was really my type but I thought I would go out with him again. This guy seemed so into me and on each date he started to win me over and I started to feel a real connection with him. We have so much fun and there is lots of chemistry and he is so sweet to me. I can’t wait to see him now and think about him all the time. And I am thinking this could be the one and I take myself off online dating. Now, out of the blue, I have not heard from him in the past 3 days when he use to text me every day. I am really freaking out and I don’t know what to do. Did I do something wrong? Is he seeing someone else? And then I did call him and said, “I have not heard from you and I am wondering where this is going? And he said: “I am enjoying our time together and I am not sure.” Now I am dumbfounded and feel like a fool. What do I do now?
My response to Elizabeth is the following”
First, it is natural to feel these feelings when we are dating and it seems like a man is pulling back. It can be so nerve wracking. I know because I have been there. I done some crazy things myself when a man pulled back. (like going to his favorite wine bar and hoping I will run into him and I did and he asked me if I was following him, embarassing…).
Your feelings can get so out of control and you can get triggered. These feelings that you have now in the present moment are actually feelings from the past. There have been times we have been let down, disappointed, and abandoned. So, whenever there is just a little inkling of that in dating, those old emotions come up and that is what is called being triggered. With all that emotion from both present and past, our reaction can be out of proportion to what just happened in the moment.
Old, pushed-down emotion from our reservoir cannot give us accurate information about the present. You ended up distorting the truth and reacting to it.
This is when you start to get some anxiety when a man starts pulling back. You react by getting too consumed wanting to know where it is going, acting out of control by trying to do more for him or obsessed with signals of where it is going.
And believe me, a man can sense this and he will even start to pull back more and the cycle continues with more anxiety.
This is what you can do differently and create an opening to have a commitment with the man that you desire:
- Be patient. Men can pull back sometimes when they feel they are getting close. Just because they are pulling back does not mean they don’t like you. They might be just having a little cool off period for themselves and need space and that is ok.
- Be aware of your triggers from the past and create a new self-loving identity. This is your highest and best self where you are confident, loving, and peaceful. Write down how you would like to be feeling and create that as your new highest identity.
- Don’t get so invested in a relationship so soon. We can get too connected too quickly. That is why it is recommended that you date several men at once until you decide to commit to one guy. And yes, I did say, YOU DECIDE.
- Also, when a man pulls back, you keep yourself busy with doing fun things for yourself and like I stated above, be dating other men. You always follow the man’s lead and you are observing his actions peacefully and with confidence. You are a woman of value that knows her worth and is worthy to have the love she desires. You are observing how the man shows up. Not reacting. Just observing and see where it is going. You will eventually know if this a man that is worthy to have your love, but not until he shows that he is.
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