I want to share a current session I had with one of my amazing clients regarding texting. I am going to call her Jane for confidentiality sake.  Jane met a wonderful man with online dating and they had their first date a couple of Sunday ago.   They had a great time together and engaging conversation where their date  lasted over 2 hours.  She told me she really liked him and was really excited about him.  After the date, they texted regularly back and forth but was not asking he out.  One morning, she decided to text him to tell him she was going to be in his area that night and would he like to meet for dinner. He stated yes and they met for dinner and had a very nice time.  He continued to text regularly but still was not asking her out.   She decided to nudge him by texting him that it was a beautiful day and would be a great day to go in the park and teach her how to throw a Frisbee (something they talked about during the date).  He responded he was busy working and could not and that he was out of town for business until next week and would like to get together then. (However, he did not give a specific time)  She texted him a cute picture and said cutely: “don’t forget about me :)”   Looking forward to when you get back.   Now, it has been a couple of days and she has not heard from him.   Crickets.   She asked me what to do?

You might be thinking “omg, I have done this too” or maybe you are thinking “I could see how this is too much.”   We have all done this in one form or another.  I know I have.  I remember a time I liked a man who was not asking me out regularly.  So I asked him over to fix my computer when it was broken (just so I can see him and hope he would ask me out) or I went to his favorite bar hoping to run into him.  I did not realize that what I was doing was actually repelling him.  Until I learned to stop doing too much in dating, lean back and choose men that chose me.  And it really works because I have a husband that dotes all over me and I hardly do a thing.

Now, back to Jane.  I reiterated back to her everything that she stated to me and what she was doing.  She was shocked and did not even realize what she was doing.   She felt sad and thought she probably ruined it.  So, I coached Jane that is o.k. and to start leaning back and not to text him anymore.  We can “course correct” just like on your GPS system. There is a possibility to have the man to start pursuing again when you take control by leaning back.

And this is not her fault.  It is embedded in our subconscious for so many reasons – role models and media.  (I will save that deeper conversation tomorrow in my live session in the Successful in Love Lounge).  However, at a high level we are used to managing, controlling, following up, following through, and taking charge of situations in our jobs and other areas of our lives and we think this will work in dating, but it does not work with a man.

And this is one of the top ways that we can turn men off and also leave you very frustrated and alone.   Men want to be the ones to pursue.  It is actually in their DNA to pursue and what feels good to them.  They will feel like something is off when a woman is doing too much and at worse think she is desperate and not a high value woman.

You may wonder if you might be doing too much in the dating and relationships and turning men off.

Here are some example of doing too much:

  1.  You have not heard from him in days or weeks and decide to send an innocent text
  2.  You mention that you are in his area and say “let’s get together”
  3.   You go to his favorite place hoping to run into him
  4.   You surprise him with gifts
  5.   He ask you out for a specific night and he doesn’t set the time or place.  The day of the date you text him asking him when you still on.
  6.   You offer to clean his house or do other things for him like grocery shopping or make appointments.
  7.    He mentions to get together over the weekend and it is lunchtime Friday and you have not heard from him and you asked him text if we are still on
  8.   You just had a few dates and  have tickets to a fun event and ask him if he would like to go
  9. You send him pictures of you and say hi
  10.  You make subtle hints when are we getting together again
  11.  You find ways to run into him or get him to go out with you
  12.  You have not heard from him and you say “I was wondering when I was going to hear from you”

All of the above are examples of doing too much and being in our masculine.   The opposite of masculine is being feminine.  Feminine is allowing the relationship to unfold and what men are attracted to and feel safe with.

So how do we be more in our feminine and stop doing?

1.  You follow the man’s lead.  You only text him when he texts you.  You only go out with a man when he ask you out.  Let him lead.
2.  If you have tickets for a fun event, you go with your girlfriend.
3.  If he has not asked you out or made plans with you, you are busy.  You do not wait around waiting to hear from him.
4.  You take care of yourself
5.  You do not give gifts nor do you do things for him
6.  You don’t try to make plans when you are in the area or visit places he may be
7.  The only thing you do is be fun, playful, and appreciative of his efforts.
8.   You allow and receive from the man – he pulls out your chair – you say thank you, he plans a date and takes you to a nice dinner – thank you, he wants to drive across town and out of the way to pick you up – you say of course, thank you

This is being feminine – relaxing and not doing.    This takes place in dating and in relationships.   You give up trying to control and manage and not attached to the outcome.   If he is not responding appropriately, you pull back and go out on other dates or with girlfriends.   There are so many men and you are choosing men that choose you.    It is simple and peaceful – no drama.

You start creating drama and anxiety when you nag or he may think you are pressuring him.  A man wants to make you happy, however you have to let him do it, otherwise he will start thinking that he can’t when he feels pressured.

Join me tomorrow on Thursday at 5:00 pm PST inside the Successful in Love Lounge; Facebook community) where I will delve deeper into this topic and be available for Q&A.  See you over there!