Jane of our community emailed me this great question:
I’ve been seeing a guy for over a year now. Everything in the relationship is great- we get along, we have fun together, and we have a deep connection. The only thing is he won’t commit to me. He said he is not sleeping with anyone else, and that he enjoys being with me, but he’s stated these things take time and he is not ready to commit. I know he had a bad divorce and it has been a couple of years but it seems he is afraid of getting hurt, so that might be part of it. I am really confused and just don’t get it, as the relationship is so great in every way aside from this. What should I do?
I can remember this clearly in my own dating life. I was dating Jerry for over a year and we had so much fun together, great sex and a deep connection. I really felt that we were meant to be together. I also felt that I would never have this connection again with anyone. I felt happy when I was with him and I thought he was too. However, there was no commitment. I was wondering where this was going and felt stress, confusion and sadness when we were apart. I kept hanging in there because we were good together and I felt I had already invested a year into this relationship. I would get so frustrated and tell him how unhappy I was and where is this relationship going. He shared since his divorce he was afraid of getting hurt again and needed time. I would get sucked into his story and felt sorry for him. And I felt like he needed me and I wanted to help him. Things would change a little bit but go back to the same old thing- no commitment and no talk of the future. And more despair and I started to feel bad about myself, what the hell was wrong with me staying in a relationship with his man. I did not know what to do.
In my pursuit in studying dating and relationships and what works,
a conversation done in the right way can change everything.
The reason we don’t know how to deal with these types of situations is because we have not been taught how to date or be in relationships.
We actually have been taught to stay in these situations from what we learned from our role models and romantic movies.
“Hang in there, the guy will turn around.”
“You have to work hard in relationships”
And I am here to tell you that when you meet the right man – you are not confused or frustrated or discouraged.
As a matter of fact, it will not be hard at all. It will be real easy and there is no guessing if the man likes you.
You will know it by his actions.
He will be consistent, he will move mountains for you, and he will want to just date you.
So instead of driving yourself crazy wondering what is going on, I have some advice for you on how to have the “talk” and take a different action that is empowering to you and him.
First, you want to make sure you are in a peaceful and drama free state before you talk with him.
Second, start off the conversation saying something positive about him.
Third, you want to be very direct to what you need. Don’t add in long stories.
Fourth, ask him “what do you think?
Then zip it (don’t say a word)
Tom, you are an amazing and generous man and I enjoy what we have together.
At this point in my life that I am looking for a long term commitment.
What do you think?
You don’t want to:
- Be emotionally, pleading or in tears
- Make ultimatums or threats
- Bring this up during a fight
- Criticize him or attack him
You are going to be confident, to the point, and it is a matter of fact of what you need. You are looking for a response that he is willing to make changes and to move forward in a positive way.
And by having this talk you will know one way or the other.
Because based upon how he responds to this request will tell you everything about the man and if he is relationship material.
If he respond the following, then you have a man that is relationship material:
- I am willing to change
- I want to make you happy
- This relationship is important to me and I want to grow with you
He is open to changing and willing to take a different action. (This is a very key component of having a harmonious and fulfilling relationship with anyone)
If he responds the following, you may need to pull back or end the relationship:
- He gets very defensive and argumentative
- He is blaming you and does not take any responsibility
- He withdraws
- He is unwilling to talk about it
- He gets very manipulative
And, you have to be willing to walk away if he is unwilling to give you what you desire.
Because you deserve to be with a man that wants to grow, love you deeply and commit to you. It does not matter the reason that he can’t.
What matters most is your needs right now, not the man needs.
Therefore, it’s time for you to take a stand because in reality you have nothing to lose, except your self–respect and your time. I know that you are probably afraid to confront him and afraid to lose him because you love him. Facing loss is one of the hardest things we ever do.
You have to be willing to walk away and be a woman that does not tolerate bad behavior and crumbs. You deserve the cake not the crumbs.
I had a talk with Jerry and he seemed opened to change but a month later he was back to his old behavior and not treating me like I was the priority. I was done and willing to cut the loss because if was affecting my self-esteem and health. I decided to draw the line in the sand and block his number and email. I deserved to be with man that treated me the way I wanted to be treated.
And guess what? When one door closes another one opens. I started to date men that were treating me like a queen leading to being married to an amazing man that adores me. (He loves me so much he follows me around the house, and I love it)
So it is up to you. You have to give yourself permission that you deserve the love that you desire.
Are you willing to have the courage to cross the line in the sand and move forward to get what you desire in your life?
The bottom line is courage. Instead of investing all your time with a man that is dragging you down, you choose otherwise and start to setting limits. After all, you could be much happier and fulfilled with a man that wants to make you happy and wants to make you the priority.
If you want to have a change, you must change. And it is not easy, I know but it is that courage to stand up for yourself in what you truly believe that you deserve.
Here is an exercise to do: Write down a list of reasons of why you deserve a commitment and relationship that you desire. Keep writing it every day to remind yourself and have a shift happen in your mindset in what you deserve.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this experience. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ Eleanor Roosevelt
P.S. If you would like be surrounded by like-minded women that are amazing just like you and on a journey to find love, then join my private facebook community:
Join here: Forever Love Forum